27th July 02 You're never going to believe this but I'm the only person in New Zealand (Godzone) that keeps the place free from snakes and crocodiles. 'Ah ha,' you shout, 'there are no snakes or crocodiles in Godzone.' 'Ah ha,' I shout back, 'now you know why. Haven't I done well?' Godzone has a history of snakes and crocodiles going back millions of years. Recently the fossilised bones of a large snake were found in the South Island. God knows what brand but it was extremely dead and had been for eight to fourteen million years. This was the period when Godzone was joined to Australia. It wasn't a happy union because the Aussies were funny creatures and it wasn't till about a hundred thousand years ago we managed to deport most of them. Snakes and crocodiles were also banished by popular edict. Unfortunately many have remained undiscovered. Godzone would have been a wealthy country if we'd also exiled tax collectors but I guess we all make mistakes. But I am working on it. Godzone is one of the few snake and crocodile free countries in the world. No creepy-crawlies or snapping dentures chomping on unsuspecting motorists or those that frequent back-packing hostels. The only remotely dangerous creatures are the hunchback squasi-modo spiders and they don't inhabit built-up areas. They're one-eyed and can't tell the difference between Esmeralda sirens and church-spires, so they tend to live under rotting logs in the more primitive areas of Auckland and Taranaki. The despised tax man has to knock three times before he sinks his fangs into your wallet and that's why he's a wealth-destroyer and not a wealth-creator. He would starve to death if he didn't have victims to support his blood-sucking. He's shunned in polite society for his parasitic behaviour, but thinks he's a Boa Constrictor and essential to Godzone's well-being. I believe the ailment is called Delusion of Grandeur. To date there is no known cure apart from a shotgun or death by crocodile circumcision. That's where I slither to the rescue. My official title is Medusa the Snake Gorgon. I'm a medieval left-over from the forests of Transylvania, a sort of updated 'turn em to stone with a flick of the wrist,' exponent. But with modern digital technology I can turn a reptile into any shape and substance I deem desirable. There are many examples of my handiwork around Godzone. You can bump into my superb craftsmanship virtually anywhere. My reptile 'kills' have made me a very wealthy man. Every time you feed a coin into a parking meter, you contribute to my bank balance. But what would you rather have: expensive parking or Godzone crawling with snakes and crocodiles? If cornered by a tax man, call snakecontrolnz. All major credit cards accepted. |
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