Lada

23/3/02

     The motoring experts have got it all wrong. The most financially rewarding and
without doubt the most sensible car in the world, is the Russia Lada. Built like a tank it takes years to rust away.
     New Zealand is lucky to have such a vehicle. What other car has detailed instructions
on how to start the engine at 50c below freezing?
     If Uri Drinkalotof hadn't taken the day off and his replacement made the mistake of
installing the steering wheels on the right instead of the left hand side. We'd have missed out on the world's most ingenious car. We were fortunate that management suggested they send them all to New Zealand because we were the only place they could think of that drive on the wrong side of the road.
     Why spend $70,000 on a computer driven rust heap the depreciates 50% overnight,
when you can spend perhaps $800 on a Lada that will last many years and out crunch any car in an accident?
     I have owned three Ladas in the last fifteen years. The first I named Stalin, was so
reliable I traded him in on Gorby because his radio could get Russian stations. My current
is a 1988 model called Yelstin. He has seat covers for my dog. He can't wobble about.
     None of my Ladas have ever broken down. When you lift the hood you can get at all
the bits and pieces without removing the entire engine. A mechanic of a hundred years ago would find every part familiar. And they go forever with commonsense maintenance. Water in the front, high octane in the back and greasy stuff in the engine. And not a computer chip in sight.
     The heaters are so efficient I can donate 80% of the heat to the local hospital board.
     I'll bet you didn't realise that a Lada appreciates in value when you fill the tank. And
when the price of gasoline rises, so does your asset base. Bank managers take note.
     My cost of motoring is the cheapest in the land. Capital cost over fifteen years, $1,600. Maintenance and registration perhaps $9,000 and gasoline about $23,000. Total
expenditure, $33,600. That's $2,240 a year or $43 a week. About $18 US.
     The seats are large and comfortable. A decent overdrive and cavendish trunk and
glove compartment.   A low centre of gravity, optional reverse (recommended) and powered rear wheels that go both ways, make a Lada easy to drive. And how many cars have wipers on the headlights?
     When I win Lotto I'm going to invest in a 1989 Lada and paint it Mercedes Red. This
should annoy hell out of the $400 a week, nose in the air, status seekers.

20th May 02

     I have been given a 1981 blue Lada stationwagon for nothing. The retired owner wanted her to go to a loving home. She's in excellent condition and only has 69,000k on the clock. The maintanence records verify the details. Not a drop of serious rust anywhwere. Her motor runs smoothly and her upholstery is like new. And I love female upholstery.
     I have decided to name her Magdalina after my Russian publisher's agent. Magdalina seems to get on well with Yelstin. They head to tail in the driveway. But I hope they don't hit it off too well. Magdalina is too old for Yelstin and doesn't drink.
     She hasn't been registered for several years and her number plates had been handed in. So we had to tow her home. The trip started off uneventfully, but the imported Jap 4WD brokedown and stopped in the middle of the motorway. The USSR to the rescue. We swapped vehicles around and Magdalina towed the Jap 4WD without effort.
     It seems strange that a one-off trip to take an unregistered car from one place to the other is both immoral and illegal. No doubt one could be fined a massive amount. But I guess that's typical of NZ. Anything thing that involve basic commonsense, is illegal and if caught, the full force of the law is applied. I guess it's like speed cameras, a money making scheme and little to do with safety.
     If I have to spend $2500 getting her legally roadworthy, I'll still have a first class runabout for the next ten years.
     Maybe I should have joined the KGB. Like me, they ignore silly laws.

10th July 02                              Finally!
     Magdalina's beautiful and legally mobile. The Lada people in Lower Hutt did an excellent job. They recognised her for what she is, a classic car of the period. A number of Lada enthusiasts heard about her and dropped in to drool over her shapely upholstery and outstanding condition. I was jealous, Magdalina's upholstery is mine.
    The Government Vehicle Testing station was thorough but a little frovilous. They insisted that her rear seatbelts were improperly mounted, not the original, and didn't show official certification. Wrong on all accounts. The belts were perfectly legal. They complained that the standard rear fog light was an undesirable extra and must be removed. The front wheel bearings were loose and the wheels would fall off on public hoildays. Wrong again. The wheels were designed for 02-08 millimetre wobble. Minute stone chips on the windscreen that almost needed a microscope to see, had to be repaired or Magdalina would collapse in a screaming heap and kill everybody within five miles. Their ignorance of the manufacture's specifications cost me a small fortune
     I suppose they mean well but the Vehical Testing Station is a government controlled monopoly and must be obeyed or they'll break your legs with 7,060 pages of regulations. I agree that safety must come first, but surely they could do their homework before accusing the Lada people of incompetence? Perhaps a glance in the mirror?
     The cost of the new registration for six months was $202. The normal cost for a complete year is the same. This means that the new number plates cost $101 for six months. If that's not a ripoff, what is?
    Obviously the civil servant gurus at the Transport Department live in a dream world. But that's New Zealand for you.