The Magnificient Seven

"Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves."  James Barrie. There were seven magnificent days that prepared me for my chosen profession.  I always knew I had what it takes to climb the mountain of success.  Today, I'm ready, willing and more than able to thrust myself forward and claim my just rewards.  A lifetime of selfish indulgence means I am mentally prepared to squash all meaningful opposition.  Thus, ensuring I will become Top of the Heap, King of the Hill.... A.... NUMBER ONE...... Day 1: Wellington New Zealand.  I was five years old when my mother walked me the mile and a half to my first day at school.  She informed me to get home safely all I had to do was reverse the going to school instructions and it was obvious that I would arrive back home.  It took me a little more than five hours because I had to keep looking over my shoulder to see where I had been.  I hadn't quite got the hang of reading the street names backwards and things looked different with my eyes crossed and peering out of the back of my head.  But I got there. Day 2: During the 1951 waterfront strike, my father was employed nailing copper sheathing around the piles of the local wharf.  Heroically I stole a wooden raft about ten feet long and decided to paddle all the way to South America.  It wasn't my fault the police launch assaulted me in the middle of Wellington Harbour and towed me back.  They didn't know the first thing about lamas and gauchos, so I couldn't really blame them for mistaking the coast of South America for Miramar Wharf.  Besides I'd run out of peanut butter sandwiches and salt water tastes funny.  I was six-years-old. Day 3: Aged seven, I realised that I'd always been able to read and write.  I would sit at the back of the classroom and read Treasure Island aloud and peer down the girl's fronts, trying to discover why they wore skirts.  I resolved that by the end of the year when I was grown up, I would investigate skirts and why Scotsmen wore them. Day 4: I grew big and strong and at college used my fists to get my own way.  I sat on the chest of a boy who offended my sensibilities and punched his lights out until I allowed the teacher to rescue him.  The boy is now a Supreme Court Judge and if he complains I will tug his stupid wig and ignore his legal opinions.  I have respect for the law, but there are limits. Day 5: At fourteen I discovered why girls were different.  They didn't rattle and had bumps in the front.  Apparently exploring girls was illegal but if they didn't mind, I certainly didn't. Doing what comes naturally seemed the best solution during extended endeavours of a carnal nature.  In the next few years I ran out of fingers and toes but by then calculators had been invented and pushing the + sign was simple. Day 6: Aged eighteen I travelled the world and was arrested in Red Square for belting two cops.  How dare they interfere with my civil liberties?  They couldn't even speak English and yet they were telling an international Kiwi how to behave.  When the booze wore off, they deported me to Poland.  Apparently they had a law banning Kiwis from bribing boarder guards, skipping across the Finish boarder and catching the train down to Moscow. Day 7: Aged sixty I retired from active sex and merely indulge when requested.  I've never married and have more kids and grand kids than there are protest websites on the internet. I'm tremendously popular because I have the ability to see through the endless waffle of politicians.  I smoke and drink and thus qualify as a politically correct individual.  My health is perfect and naturally I'm immortal and will live forever and three days. Thus, my estimable qualifications are:       1:       I'm logical.       2:       I'm adventurous.       3:       I'm highly literate and a good problem solver.       4:       I'm law abiding and only use violence as a first resort.       5:       I'm good at talking and getting my own way.       6:       I'm well travelled and respect other cultures.       7:       I have time on my hands. Naturally I'm going to be New Zealand's Prime Minister.  After all, bullshit will always beat brains.