Hockey Sticks

"Satire is the ultimate weapon of truth."                 Broughton

Down under New Zealand is undergoing a, 'down with everything' renaissance. The Labour Member of Parliament for Rotorua, Steve Chadwick, came the conclusion that hockey sticks are a major cause of avoidable death. Thus, hocky sticks have been banned in all bars, restaurants and work places. After reading Adolf Hitler's Mien Kampf (my dream), she cunningly created public funded action groups to provide the propaganda required to convince the Jackass Mentality to back her proposals. HSK (hockey sticks kill) and the Anti Hockey Stick Coalition of New Zealand, sprung into being. Naturally, 75% of the voting
population (the Jackass Mentality), rarely went into bars and restaurants and wouldn't know a hockey stick if they fell over one, automatically agreed to penalise the minority hockey stick enthusiasts for being public health hazzards. The official excuse was to protect workers from future risks of Hockey Stick Syndrom.

Submissions from the public were called and an overwhelming majority of 400 (0.01% of the population) demanded instant death of all hockey sticks. The public purse was raided to pay obliging consultants to provide "independent" collaboration of Steve Chadwick's egotistical opinions.

'Hospitals are (naturally) full of sick patients suffering from Hocky Stick Syndrom, declared the Medical Officer of Health', hoping for a pay rise to fund his collection of ancient Maori weapons of mass destruction.

"The curve at the bottom of hockey sticks are a well known hazzard and cause ankle bites and stretched throat muscles that encourage lung cancer.' Stated Osamba Bin Laden from his suite in New York's Empire State Building. "Look what happen to the Twin Towers when they were attacked by flying hockey sticks? Please pay the money into my Terrorist Funding Hockey Stick account in Pakistan."

The Health Department decided they would need another 3,000 bureaucrats to put ticks in little boxes and pay for a 24 hour hotline giving advice to members of the public wishing to quit their hockey stick dependency. In due course all hockey sticks were branded with the words, "hockey sticks kill." The manufactures were polarised and the tiny Maori Political Party (looking for votes) demanded a hockey stick free New Zealand. Tax payer funded anti hockey stick campaigns became common on television.

The outspoken mayor of the minor-league city of Upper Hutt, Wayne Guppy, suggested that all parks and sports grounds should be hockey stick free to protect youth from potential Hockey Stick Syndrom.

The result? Bars and restaurants suffered a drop in customers and many have closed in suburban and rural areas. Having to go outside for a hockey stick has caused civil disobedience and a recent murder. Thinking hockey stick lovers raised two fingers to the law and started their own hockey stick speakeasies. With 25% of the population indulging hockey sticks, employers are experiencing a shortage of skilled workers.

The consumption of hockey sticks has risen, instead of reducing as the 'experts' had predicted. Perhaps this is a form of protest? It would also be prudent to point out that the authorities have been unable to provide any conclusive evidence that lives have been saved by the clampdown on hockey sticks. The Universities of Boston and London have found that hockey sticks can be beneficial in the treatment of Alzheimer, Parkinson, Huntingdon and several peace of mind diseases such as shattered nerves.

Supposedly educating the public is one thing, but unneeded repressive legislation is another. Perhaps this arrogant political attitude explains why New Zealand has the highest youth suicide rate in the so called civilised world?

"Sliding backwards is described by politicians as social progress."           Broughton.