Global Warming

To encourage global warming I have written a novel entitled The Failed Species. Naturally it's about human beings and their never ending quest to control the unconquerable world.

With a bit of luck my novel will sell about 100 million copies. All it would take is for the 4 million Kiwis to buy 25 copies each and I'd have the world's biggest selling novel. This might even be more than the number of money grabbing traffic tickets issued in the last six months.

No doubt I'd travel the world appearing on every TV chat show you could imagine and scribble my name in bookshops from Moscow to MacDonalds's in Hong Kong. If I earned $3 a copy I'd have $300 million to play with. No doubt the NZ Government would set up a department to screw as much taxes from me as possible in the name of replenishing democracy. That's where global warming would come into the picture.

As the world's biggest selling author (6 foot three inches standing up) I would publically exclaim that I am NZ's most efficient, environmentally clean and green and profitable exporter doing my best to solve the balance of payments problem, by being forced to donate the bulk of my earnings to the greediest government in the uncivilised world.

Historically, after polishing both my typing fingers whilst sitting in my forty year old caravan (trailer), I attacked my second hand recyclable computer and wrote down my imaginative thoughts in basic English learned in a primary school since demolished to make way for a new ego driven institution dedicated to creative poverty and ignorance. I exported the result to my US literary agent in a series of electronic dots and dashes and in due course received a series of dots and dashes that miraculously turned into $300 million US dollars in my online bank account. Then I transferred some of the dots and dashes to an untraceable account at Kiwi Bank in my unnamed dead dog's trust account for safe keeping. Government's will do absolutely anything to steal money from the public. Unfortunately, making theft legal, doesn't make it honest. Theft is still theft. But government's have always refused to see past their own greed and commonsense, honesty and decency have never been officially acknowledged.

Writing The Failed Species didn't require any imported components, I didn't need to manufacture any parts or grow crops and spray contaminating fertiliser, nor out source my telephone answering machine to India. In fact I had no need to use any man-made components that allegedly cause global warming. The use of my imagination was all that was required to make me NZ's best environment friendly exporter.

The novel will be printed on paper using vegetable dyes and at the end of the books life cycle,
they will be recycled to grow new trees and vegetables.

The government's Emission Trading scheme intends to charge $25 per tonne for creating environmental pollution. For heroically not creating any environmental pollution, I think it fair that I charge the government the same amount in Carbon Credits as they demand in taxation. After all, I would have contributed to NZ's balance of payment problems by being the country's cleanest and most efficient exporter. My export product has cost nothing yet I earned $300 million US, plus the Carbon Credits that I could sell to the politicians who create global pollution by waffling non stop in Wellington. No wonder the Wellington Harbour is full of polluted water. You can't even drink the stuff.

As an afterthought: when I eventually turn up my toes, my body will be recycled by Mother
Nature and I will not pollute mankind's future generations, if indeed, there are any.

There is no such thing as global warming as created by the human race. Just look at the powerful
waves crashing onto an ocean beach, feel the powerful wind in your face and you will realise that
mankind is completely ineffectual at controlling Mother Nature's moods. Global warming is merely her way of cleansing planet Earth by recycling and recharging her infinite resources. This has been happening for the billions of years before mankind swung down from the trees and will continue long after the baboons, if they're silly enough, reclaim their errant relatives. When mankind eventually becomes extinct, Mother Nature will simply shrug and recycle the remains of yet another failed species. That's the way the world works. Get used to the reality.

ps.

If you are a traditional international publisher with the intelligence to think outside the square of mediocrity and wish to sell 100 million copies of The Failed Species, please contact me by email. But if you're only interested in ticking little boxes to create cost covering publications, then don't even think about it. Just carry on being a member of the failed species.