Defense

Without doubt, New Zealand has the best defense force in the world. Poltical correctness rules and potential invaders should be aware that our army is highly trained and completely ruthless. Invaders can expect large numbers of casulties and a shortage of beer.

Meet Acting Private Napoleon Z Treasure, VC, Purple Heart plus Black Belt in cat control. Veteran of the Fridge and Dog Roll wars. She is a highly trained unthinking professional and doesn't give a damn whose toes she treads on. Her entire life has been served defending NZ from unwelcome intrusions. Aged 117, she's consummate at licking toes and piddling everywhere. Her mission is to spread 'democracy and dog shit' worldwide.

She doesn't drink booze and has never been known to smoke. Although she is quite fond of smoked garlic meat loaf and kitchen left overs. She survived the Battle of the Dog Ranger and proceeded to astound her critics by continuing to serve without a dog licence.

Beware! Do not meddle with Acting Private Napoleon Z Treasure. Your toes will regret any attempt to conquer NZ.

This is the highly secret computerised control room of the NZ Army. It doubles as the Salvation Army's after hours drinking bar. It is also used to make patriotic radio broadcasts advising potential invaders that the pixels of the computer world are against them. This room is invincible. Note the emergency lighting at top right. Candles are available if the battery is flat.

This is the NZ Army Headquarters. Traditionally under canvas to save money, the 1936 Ford hubcap ashtray contains highly secret information. Owing to security precautions, the gas barbecue at middle right has been partially obscured in the national interest. The black plastic rubbish bag, lower right, contains ammunition left over from the Maori wars of the 1860's. Grapes are grown to make wine to protect the officers from sobriety.

When all else fails, this is NZ's last farewell. Hidden in native bush, the gentleman in the right has revolving eyes to track satelittes and incoming nuclear missiles. Note the solar lights so he can see at night. His information is given to the Prime Minister, lower middle, and she will decide within six democratic months how to respond to the emergency. She then passes her instructions to the disguised missle silo at bottom left. With a loud flush, the silo fires liquified poo at the enemy. The high powered missile has a range of almost 9 feet with a following wind. The forgotten, blue faced down trodden public, cower at bottom left.

Note Acting Private Napoleon Z Treasure performing her patriotic duty.