Boring? |
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty,
and gradually approach eighteen." Mark Twain. The 7th of March is census day in New Zealand. We have one every five years, whether we want one or not. It is the day we bear our souls to the government about how poverty stricken we are. The information demanded under threat of just about everything one can think of, is used to blame the people for the incompetence of central government. Despite there being no public consensus for the official census....... sign on the dotted line or else! Thus, everything is naturally the people's fault. It's the game that politicians play in the name of national security, or whatever the latest scare tactics are in vogue. To be a census collector, one must fill in seven pages of bureaucratic waffle that means nothing but is used to decide who can knock on everybody's door. I downloaded the waffle and it now sits proudly awaiting recycling in my compost bin. My home is self sufficient in vegetables and government waffle, cigarette butts and ash grow an excellent crop of potatoes. Thus, I'm unlikely to starve to death before the next census. Being a computer genius, I'm talented enough to know how to turn the thing on. So I went online and filled in the form electronically. Unlike the politicians who are economical with the truth, I decided that reality was more honest. Read on, my fellow believers in consensual democracy. I was born on the 3rd of October 1820. Queen Victoria died a year after I turned eighty and I've gradually being getting younger. I'm now 186 years young. My house has three doors, one going in, one going out and the other for national emergencies like running out of wine and cigarettes. I have 269 children at the last count and God knows how many great great great grandchildren. Naturally I deny all knowledge of them. It's cheaper that way. I have three live-in common law same sex partners, they're female and I'm male and I've never felt the urge to get married. Besides, nobody's asked me. With three women working full time, I don't need a job, so I'm on the unemployment benefit to demonstrate my financial independence. My total income is less than $20 grand a year. Although I do play at being a lifeguard at the local swimming pool. Sadly, they built a school over the pool in 1935 but I can be a pretend lifeguard if I want to be, can't I? Isn't freedom of choice the reason New Zealand is called a democracy? Our letterbox has been in the same place since 1903 but the batteries in the door chimes have been flat since 1962. We have two motor vehicles, one for me and the women share the other between them. One has to fair to the fair sex. We have three telephones, broadband, numerous transistor radios and four televisions. There are only three free to air TV channels in Godzone, so one TV is largely wasted. Being a patriotic Kiwi, I only listen to the National Program because the commercial radio stations bore me to death. They keep trying to sell me stuff I don't need. My census authenticity is New Zealander and I refuse to state my race because I don't have one. I'm too young for physical exercise. Nor have I had an abortion and I can't remember what religion is currently fashionable. As you can see, I've been completely honest with my census information and sincerely hope my boring lifestyle doesn't become public knowledge. I couldn't stand everybody knowing my intimate details. It's not my fault I've got two arms, one head and three legs. It was the fashion back in 1820. Also, it's not my fault but I think I'd make a good politician. |
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